Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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