She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
