I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
