So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
