You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
