thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
