he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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