She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
