Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
