Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
