the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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