I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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