He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
