If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
