i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
