I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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