was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
