I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
