PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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