I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
