Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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