How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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