I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
