nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
