Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
