my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
