Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
