I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
