So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
