I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
