im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The best revenge is premature balding
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
