I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
