I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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