Life is so much better after having sex.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
