The brown eye won't let me do that either.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
3 2 1 whiskey
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
