Swine flu is the new snow day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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