I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
