Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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