Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
