it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
