Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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