based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
