I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
