I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
