Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
