there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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