what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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