I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
