He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
