Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
