My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
