My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
