i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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